a surprising miss

It’s 4:30am. I’ve been up since 3am. Why? I have no idea. I don’t think my body clock has adjusted to Eastern Daylight Time yet – even after three weeks! But hey, it gives me time to think and write and listen to Vicky Beeching.

I haven’t enjoyed this trip to the US. Spiritually speaking it has been a real struggle. I have felt very much on my own. I’ve felt like I’ve lost my way and there’s no one around me who I can ask for direction from. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many enjoyable moments: Kittery, Manchester Firing Line, Jerry’s boat ride out into the Atlantic and, of course, the Japanese Steakhouse. But because my spirituality is such a big part of my life and because it hasn’t been fed, nurtured or interacted with as much as usual, I’ve felt a little down.

I know this sounds harsh but I mean no offense: I’ve been thinking about home a lot and, of the many things I miss, the most surprising is my church. Now, before you label me a bad person, it’s not that I am surprised to miss my church at all; rather, I am surprised at the intensity with which I miss it. Paradoxically, missing it so much makes me happy because it’s a testament to the great set of people that make up Christ’s Body in that place.

I think I would find it a very serious struggle to live a life worthy of my calling here in the US. The culture (that I’ve been surrounded with, anyway) just doesn’t have time for anything spiritual. If it doesn’t bring instant gratification, some sort of enjoyment or end in rapturous laughter, no one wants to know about it. That’s not to mention the fact that it appears people aren’t interested in serving and would much rather be served. People like to complain a lot over here.

Perhaps my experience of the US has been skewed because I don’t belong to a church out here and I’ve been living in a hotel – but it is my second time here and, from what I can remember of the first trip, things are the same. (I know there are probably a lot of very loving and caring and genuine people in the US – I am just talking about some of the people I’ve spent most time with on my trip.)

Vicky Beeching is giving me a private concert via my iPAQ and headphones. She is singing about turning our eyes’ towards Jesus and getting lost in His beauty and bringing extravagant worship in response. But in the past few days as I’ve tried to regain my spiritual focus and awareness, it has taken a lot of concentration and will power to think about such things. The “dull window” through which I see God has become much duller and darker.

It’s striking when I compare this to how things are back home and I know with certainty that it’s because of the impact of my church in my life. Back home I am reminded weekly on a Sunday morning of God – of who He is, what He has done and what He will do. And if it doesn’t wise me up in the morning, I get a second teaching in the evening.

But it’s more than just the teaching; it’s the genuine love, friendship, and partnership that I find there. People, whose name I don’t even know, pray for me! How amazing! How humbling! It’s the regular Saturday night text message inviting me to join in whatever everyone else is doing, the Monday night football match, the Sunday night craic with the Elevation crew, the smiles and knowing nods as I move every day around the town and see my brothers and sisters in Christ.

How blessed I am!

Hebrews 10:25 has never made so much sense.

worth

I was sitting with Lynn a couple of Saturday’s ago watching the sun set up at Portrush and we were talking about how to relate to God and my struggles with that. Then I read a book… that got be thinking… then I wrote this post…

Imagine, a Being with a mind as great as God’s, with feet like trees and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation. It’s kind of exciting if you think about it.

(Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What, page 46)

I’m sitting here in my hotel room, thinking on these words while listening to Chris Tomlin sing “How Great Is Our God” and I’m feeling pretty awe-struck. Why would God – who is above all, before all and Creator of all – consider me “cherished”? Why would God the Son become a man and suffer and die for me? How can I be worth so much?

I guess  the answer to my second question is given in John 3:16: “For God so loved the world…” But that leads me on to my other two questions, which are really just different shades of the same colour.

Why does God consider me worthy of His great, enduring, patient and unending love? I can think of no other reason except that it’s because He says so. I have no intrinsic worth. Whatever worth I have has been attributed to me by God Himself.

He created me. I am His creation. It is entirely His call to decide how much I am worth to Him. And He has decided I am worth dying for. He has decided that He wants to have an intimate relationship with me so much that He is prepared to suffer humiliation, suffer pain, suffer permanent scaring, suffer death… even risk losing me altogether.

He has already suffered humiliation, pain, scaring and death… all on account of me; but, by His grace, He will never have to suffer losing me.

Read Miller’s words again… it really is exciting, isn’t it?!

Is anyone out there?

I haven’t been posting recently because I’m over in the States on work. Been here for what feels like ages, and still have a couple of weeks to go. It sucks. I’ve been kept really busy with meetings and scope definition/requirements gathering exercises (the areas that I least like to work in). We need to have a couple of major pieces of work completed for tomorrow, so I don’t know what I’ll be up to for the remainder of my time here. Fortunately, next week is short because I’m travelling on Thursday and Friday.

Oh, and I’ve met someone… someone special… and I can’t wait to get home to see her again…